There’s a lot written in parenting books today about attachment. Secure attachment, disorganized attachment, attachment parenting, etc… we hear this word “attachment,” but what does it really mean?
In parenting, the word attachment is being used to describe the bond that is created between parent and child. This bond is also created in intimate relationships as adults, and between friends young and old. It’s like an invisible string that ties us to another person.
By explaining how attachment is built, you will begin to look at each of your relationships with greater clarity, and see why you’re so close with some people, not as close with others, and even have severed ties with some. I will describe each of the 6 stages of building attachment with examples from a parent/child perspective and that of a romantic adult relationship. I have chosen to add the second non-parent/child perspective as sometimes it can be hard to draw connection from a childhood bond; perhaps time has diminished your memory. Perhaps you had few or no secure attachments early on to be able to draw from.
The first stage is PROXIMITY. This is the desire to want to be close to another. In a parent-child relationship, this bond grows through touch, contact, and closeness. The time spent holding, cuddling, bathing, and feeding etc, begins to create a familiarity and comfort that parent and child find value in. In a romantic relationship, this is the stage when you just can’t get enough of each other. You want to see him/her all the time, and dislike being apart. This relationship is likely to involve touch and closeness as well.
The second stage is SAMENESS. This is a stage when you look for things you have in common with the other. You look for connection through similar interests, ideals, and values. This is the stage when children copy everything a parent does, wears mom or dad’s clothing or shoes, and announces that he/she likes soccer, heavy metal, and the colour green (which also happen to be Dad’s favourite things). In a new romantic relationship, you’d be figuring out if you have enough in common to be compatible in the future. Do you share hobbies you can do together, hold similar values, goals, and motivation?
The third stage is BELONGING OR LOYALTY. In a parent-child relationship, the child becomes quite possessive of their parents, declaring that want to marry you, you are “theirs,” and pushing other intruders out of your proximity. The child also becomes eager to do as you ask of them in loyalty. In a romantic relationship, you may claim the other as your boyfriend or girlfriend at this stage. You express your desire to become exclusive intimate partners, and fend off expressions of interest from outsiders. You are eager to prove your devotion.
SIGNIFICANCE is stage 4. The relationship deepens as each party to the relationship feels special to the other. A uniqueness in the relationship fortifies the bond as there is an acknowledgement that it cannot be duplicated with another. For a child, all those moments of touch, care, trust, and acceptance have differentiated their parent bond from other attachments in their life (grandma, auntie, cousins). In your adult intimate relationship, you may recognize feelings you’ve felt for others previously, but this relationship is special; it feels significant.
The 5th step is that of LOVE. This emotion centered stage is filled with “I love you’s” from your child. This unique relationship defined by closeness, loyalty, and a sense of belonging, elicits strong emotions and deep connection. As an adult, if the attachment relationship has developed in order, this would be when “i love you’s” are exchanged. You feel more confident to express all feelings, good and bad, at this stage as you feel safe with the other.
The feeling of love sets the stage for the final level of attachment, BEING KNOWN. Now that the child feels safe with the parent, the child will share his/her secrets. The opening of your child’s heart and mind to really being known and accepted deepens the attachment and sets a great foundation for continued connection and sharing as your child moves into pre-teens, teens, and adulthood. Being truly known in your adult love relationships is special indeed. This is likely a time when you strive to hold on to this bond forever and may propose such through marriage.
Understanding how attachment builds is an important “prerequisite” as you move on to read about other parenting topics, such as Managing Difficult Behaviour and Working With Your Child’s School. You may even find a future post on maintaining attachment in your adult love relationship. Perhaps you are beginning to see how attachment impacts the quality of your relationships. You may be identifying where some relationships have failed, or difficulty began. If we think of the stages like foundational building blocks, we can fail to build certain parts leaving the final structure unstable. And yes, unfortunately, pieces can fall out occasionally or we ‘fall out of attachment.” We can put the foundation back together again if it has not been too damaged.
Adapted by Jody Moore from the writings of Canadian developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld. His book “Hold On To Your Kids” introduces his theory of the 6 stages of attachment for developing strong relationships.