Minimizer: This listener makes light of, or minimizes, the story tellers experience and/or details of it. This listener may be uncomfortable with difficult emotions within themselves or others, or may have a hard time empathizing with others.
Exaggerator: This listener over responds, gets overly emotional, or exaggerated the story tellers experience and details. This listener may see life as overwhelming or scary. They may take a victim role in response to trouble or crisis. They may over empathize with, or misread, the story tellers emotions.
Problem Solver: This listener is quick to offer solutions to your perceived problems/issues, often without solicitation for such help. Usually with great intention, their goal is to be helpful. This listener may be uncomfortable with emotion and prefer to process information logically.
Story Teller: This listener will interrupt the story teller to tell stories from his/her own life that he/she believes are related to the topic of discussion. This listener often believes that this is a way of connecting to the story teller, through like experiences. They may also suggest solutions based on what they did in their similar experience.
Active Listener: This listener looks to identify the story tellers’ emotions by paraphrasing what they are hearing. They ask questions for clarification. They look for the story tellers own problem solving abilities and coping skills. Their goal is to support, not save or join, the story teller.
Scenario:
Let’s see these listening styles play out with a mock conversation. (With some dramatization to make the point)
Story Teller (ST): It’s been a tough week. My cat died on Monday after an emergency trip to the vet. I’ve been so upset that I’ve barely eaten. I’m not sure how I’m going to pay for the vet bills either.
Minimizer: It’s just a cat, thank goodness it wasn't someone you know. Haven’t you only had that cat for couple of years? So you're not eating? I guess that it's kind of like when you’re sick and lose a few pounds; the reason you lost the weight sucks but your pants fit a little better. And what’s the vet going to do, sue you? Relax.
Exaggerator: OMG, that’s TERRIBLE! Your whole world is coming apart eh? Your body needs food to process this trauma or you might get really sick. Do you think you’ll be able to pay your rent and the vet? Wont your landlord kick you out if you’re late paying?
Problem Solver: What vet did you go to? Maybe you can do some kind of payment plan? I think not eating is normal, but do you know what’s great for an upset stomach? Ginger. I guess there a chance you got a bit of a stomach bug at the same time but are mistaking as being emotion based.
Story Teller: Oh man, my cat died last year, his name was fluffy and I was super upset. I didn’t have any problems eating, but then I’m an emotional eater. I think I gained 10 pounds. I have another friend who’s couldn’t pay his vet bill, I could ask him what he did if you want?
Active Listener: (pauses often to verify level of understanding and await response)
I’m sorry to hear your cat died. It seems you had a lot of love for your kitty.
You mentioned you’re not eating well, is that normal for you when you’re sad?
Owing someone money can be stressful, how do you feel about it? Have you thought of any possible solutions?
Have you experienced anything like this before? How did you cope with it then? What are your favourite self-care tools or activities?
Looking back at each of these styles:
1. How do you think the story teller (ST) feels after the listener’s response? (Empowered, Anxious, Frustrated, Grateful)
2. Does the ST feel heard, understood, and validated?
3. Is the listener building the STs confidence in his/her ability to handle this problem?
4. Does the ST feel better after talking to the listener than he/she did beforehand?
5. Is the focus on the ST and his/her issue?
6. Does the ST believe you really care about his/her issue?
7. Does this ST trust you with his/her emotions? Is he/she likely to come to you with a problem again in the future?
Additional reading:
Common misconceptions that have led to the listener to choose 1 listening style over another: Misconception: The ST wouldn’t be telling me all of this unless he/she wanted help.
Reality: The ST may be looking for an understanding ear. Someone who is willing to hear their issue free of judgement, analysis, or transference of their own emotions about it. Benefit to the listener of becoming an active listener: Problem solving can take a lot of effort and leave the listener feeling frustrated if the ST won’t heed their advice. Active listening takes a bit of practice, but once mastered, gives responsibility for the problem back to the ST where it belongs. This is far less draining for the listener.
